Sandi's Vlog

Please Choose to Stay

TRIGGER WARNING – This morning’s post may be disturbing to some readers. But if you can, please read it and please share it with those you love.

I am awake, I am alive and today I wanted to speak of something I rarely speak of – suicide.

But the truth is, when I look back at my teen years, suicidal thoughts were almost common for me. Dealing with Dad’s passing, school, boys and my now absent self-confidence often left me feeling like I couldn’t take anymore. The only reason I didn’t was the knowledge that my passing would kill my Mom.

My first real attempt was when I was 18. Far from home, the young man I had moved to be with had rejected me. I had spoken to another man, after all. I was scum.

My anger consumed me. I wanted him to hurt as I did. I wanted him to have to live his entire life regretting what he did. So, I took the pills. A lot of them. I dressed in pretty lingerie and laid on the couch where he would see me when he came in. I called him, asking him to cover, sharing that I wasn’t going to beg him to take me back but that it was important he came over. I closed my eyes, smiling at the thought that soon he would hurt as much as I was.

He showed up with his best friend. I thought I should be embarrassed, considering what I was wearing but I was beyond caring … and moving. I could hear them, but I couldn’t move. I heard my ex’s rants and accusations, but the pills were already working.

Suddenly, his friend grabbed me. I could hear him screaming something was wrong. He dragged me up and down the hall trying to make me walk. He kept pushing my head up, telling me I had to hold it up, that I had to wake up.

Eventually I did. My ex was pissed that I had ruined his night. I realized he so wasn’t worth dying for.

But years later, it would be that dark again. Standing in an unfinished home mid- reno, I was alone. Husband gone. Kids moved out. No money to feed the dogs who counted on me. The world was so so heavy. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I sat on the floor, crying to Creator.

“I tried. I really tried. You know I did!
But it never gets better. They hurt me or lie or worse.
I can’t. I just can’t anymore.”

But in that lonely dark place, from that lonely dark place, I made one call – to a good friend of my ex-husband. We weren’t close but he knew my ex. And he was a counselor.

He wasn’t home. I left a message then I went to lay on my bed. I was going to savour this last night knowing I would not see another morning.

He called back. Midnight I believe. And we talked and talked and talked. He refused to let me go in any way. He informed me he was going to keep me on the phone until I agreed to do one more day. Then he’d call tomorrow and make me promise again.

He wasn’t letting me go. He wasn’t leaving.

Why share this? Because these events happened before my daughter’s wedding, before my grandbabies, before my books, before this amazing career, before these blog posts, before you thought of me as a woman who has it together.

Too many think suicidal thoughts mean something is wrong with them. That they can’t do it, that things will never change. But things do change and with time and experience, I have come to believe that such thoughts reflect the intensity of your pain, not your lack of worth or the hopelessness of your life.

Today I beg you, reach out. Get help. Find the light out of your dark. Your pain can be healed. There is life after it, if only you could make one more choice.

Choose to stay my friend. Please choose to stay.

I love you.
HUGSSSSSSSSS

Sandi
***This is an excerpt from Sandi’s most recent book, “I am Awake …”. available for purchase on her website or Amazon***